Well, it's been a little bit of a roller coaster these last few days.
Some might blame it on hormones, others might blame it on the fact that I have two children under two, others say that I'm recovering from a major surgery, or maybe it's because I'm taking narcotics around the clock----I think it's because I'm a worrier.
And, I blame my mom. :)
Some background information? Okay. A few weeks ago, my mom suggested that it might be a good idea if, when she leaves Texas, she takes Tillie with her to Utah---that way Aaron and I could have some time alone with little Cal and not have to stress about Tillie and her needs, our families in Utah could dote on her, and it could be a sweet experience all around. We knew that Aaron's parents would be flying down a few days later, so they would be able to bring her back down again.
Good times all around. Sounded wonderful. Everyone was on board.
Well, this idea was presented about three weeks ago. And, most of me loved the idea. But, then every time I REALLY started thinking about it, this fear would wash over me and I'd begin a panic session. What if something happened to Matilda? What if there was a car accident and she died? What if she got hurt? How would I get to her? What could I do? bottom line: I would have NO control. That was the BULK of my worry, but then I'd stress that she might think she was getting kicked out of our family now that the baby was here. Or that she wouldn't want to come back home to us... those were just a few of the other thoughts that entered my mind.
Eventually, I'd push all these crazy thoughts out of my mind and continue on my day. But, literally, every day when I'd think about the reality of it all, I'd start sobbing. I felt like I needed to memorize her face. I felt like I needed to remember every darling thing she'd do... just in case. It was crazy. It was awful and I was a mess.
But, then I'd say to myself, "No, this is a good thing. Matilda will have so much fun with our families and her little cousins. I can get some great rest with Calvin (because, honestly, he is asleep 22 of the 24 hours in a day), Aaron will be able to get to know him better---this is a good thing."
Anyway, there was a constant battle in my head. Finally, after Tillie's bags were packed and all was set for the flight the next day---during a middle of the night feeding (which my mom would wake up with me for each one. she is amazing), I told my mom that I couldn't shake this worry. And, if I was such a basket case now, how could I get through the time she'd be gone?
My mom apologized, admitted that it was probably HER genes that had been passed to me, and why it was just fine for me to keep Matilda here at home. She assured me that no feelings would be hurt, no one would be upset, and that the only reason she had suggested it in the first place was to ALLEVIATE stress... not create it. She told me about her irrational fears and how some of them took years to get over, and some of them she's still not over.
So, I decided at 2:40 a.m. the night before she was supposed to leave, that Tillie would stay with me. Can you blame me? Get a load of this crazy girl.
Because I had been focusing so much on whether or not Tillie would leave, I hadn't internalized that my mom was leaving. When that hit, I got a whole new set of worries. And, yes, of course, buckets of tears followed (both from me and my mom). For the record, her trip was MUCH too short. :) She is the best help in the entire world. She knows me inside and out. She takes care of me so well. She spoils me. She teaches me. Basically, she is the best. mom. ever. And, I love her a lot.
So, my mom is gone. But, thankfully, Aaron is here (glory glory for that). We were able to make it the rest of the day on Friday while Aaron was at school (I think Heavenly Father was especially aware of me that day)... me, Tillie, and Cal were able to nap for over an hour and a half (all at the same time, mind you). Aaron was able to come home from school on time. And all was well.
Aaron has been amazing too. If we're talking about gratitude for people and their help, Aaron's got to be at the top of that list too. He just takes care of life. He's so good to get things done. Whether it's playing with Matilda, doing dishes, telling me to "take it easy and quit acting like you're in the Olympics", burping Calvin, changing a billion diapers (he's really good at this one), creating the ultimate swaddle... you name it, he's on it. Did I mention that I am so lucky he wanted to marry me? He's the best. husband. ever.
I love him. I love my mom. I love my kids. I love our families back home. I love my sweet friends. I love my life.
It's been rainy these last few days, and I have loved being able to stay inside a warm, cozy house and just bask in the spirit that Calvin has brought into our home. Honestly, his little spirit is so sweet. He's so easy going and well, perfect. Here are a few of the many faces this kiddo makes. His eyebrows are so expressive, it KILLS me! I love it.
Like I said, it's been rainy, so here are the pictures we took in the kitchen (the most natural light on a gray day) just hours before my mom left. I decided to go "black and white" with these pictures, because the lighting was still pretty wonky. But, just so you know, Matilda and Calvin really are in the same brown and blue. Matchy-matchy. We'll do another photo shoot in better light so you'll believe me.
Anyway, there you have it for now. We're doing good. We're glad we have a holiday on Monday so that Aaron can stay home (thank you, Mr. Martin Luther King, Jr.). We can't wait till Wednesday when Aaron's parents arrive (hip hip hooray). And, we're grateful that even though half of my stitches have accidentally been pulled out (don't know how that happened), my insides have not fallen out. Especially glad for that last one.