Saturday, January 16, 2010

call me crazy.

Well, it's been a little bit of a roller coaster these last few days.

Some might blame it on hormones, others might blame it on the fact that I have two children under two, others say that I'm recovering from a major surgery, or maybe it's because I'm taking narcotics around the clock----I think it's because I'm a worrier.
And, I blame my mom. :)

True story.

Some background information? Okay. A few weeks ago, my mom suggested that it might be a good idea if, when she leaves Texas, she takes Tillie with her to Utah---that way Aaron and I could have some time alone with little Cal and not have to stress about Tillie and her needs, our families in Utah could dote on her, and it could be a sweet experience all around. We knew that Aaron's parents would be flying down a few days later, so they would be able to bring her back down again.
Good times all around. Sounded wonderful. Everyone was on board.

Well, this idea was presented about three weeks ago. And, most of me loved the idea. But, then every time I REALLY started thinking about it, this fear would wash over me and I'd begin a panic session. What if something happened to Matilda? What if there was a car accident and she died? What if she got hurt? How would I get to her? What could I do? bottom line: I would have NO control. That was the BULK of my worry, but then I'd stress that she might think she was getting kicked out of our family now that the baby was here. Or that she wouldn't want to come back home to us... those were just a few of the other thoughts that entered my mind.

Eventually, I'd push all these crazy thoughts out of my mind and continue on my day. But, literally, every day when I'd think about the reality of it all, I'd start sobbing. I felt like I needed to memorize her face. I felt like I needed to remember every darling thing she'd do... just in case. It was crazy. It was awful and I was a mess.

But, then I'd say to myself, "No, this is a good thing. Matilda will have so much fun with our families and her little cousins. I can get some great rest with Calvin (because, honestly, he is asleep 22 of the 24 hours in a day), Aaron will be able to get to know him better---this is a good thing."

Anyway, there was a constant battle in my head. Finally, after Tillie's bags were packed and all was set for the flight the next day---during a middle of the night feeding (which my mom would wake up with me for each one. she is amazing), I told my mom that I couldn't shake this worry. And, if I was such a basket case now, how could I get through the time she'd be gone?

My mom apologized, admitted that it was probably HER genes that had been passed to me, and why it was just fine for me to keep Matilda here at home. She assured me that no feelings would be hurt, no one would be upset, and that the only reason she had suggested it in the first place was to ALLEVIATE stress... not create it. She told me about her irrational fears and how some of them took years to get over, and some of them she's still not over.

So, I decided at 2:40 a.m. the night before she was supposed to leave, that Tillie would stay with me. Can you blame me? Get a load of this crazy girl.



Because I had been focusing so much on whether or not Tillie would leave, I hadn't internalized that my mom was leaving. When that hit, I got a whole new set of worries. And, yes, of course, buckets of tears followed (both from me and my mom). For the record, her trip was MUCH too short. :) She is the best help in the entire world. She knows me inside and out. She takes care of me so well. She spoils me. She teaches me. Basically, she is the best. mom. ever. And, I love her a lot.

So, my mom is gone. But, thankfully, Aaron is here (glory glory for that). We were able to make it the rest of the day on Friday while Aaron was at school (I think Heavenly Father was especially aware of me that day)... me, Tillie, and Cal were able to nap for over an hour and a half (all at the same time, mind you). Aaron was able to come home from school on time. And all was well.

Aaron has been amazing too. If we're talking about gratitude for people and their help, Aaron's got to be at the top of that list too. He just takes care of life. He's so good to get things done. Whether it's playing with Matilda, doing dishes, telling me to "take it easy and quit acting like you're in the Olympics", burping Calvin, changing a billion diapers (he's really good at this one), creating the ultimate swaddle... you name it, he's on it. Did I mention that I am so lucky he wanted to marry me? He's the best. husband. ever.

I love him. I love my mom. I love my kids. I love our families back home. I love my sweet friends. I love my life.

It's been rainy these last few days, and I have loved being able to stay inside a warm, cozy house and just bask in the spirit that Calvin has brought into our home. Honestly, his little spirit is so sweet. He's so easy going and well, perfect. Here are a few of the many faces this kiddo makes. His eyebrows are so expressive, it KILLS me! I love it.





Like I said, it's been rainy, so here are the pictures we took in the kitchen (the most natural light on a gray day) just hours before my mom left. I decided to go "black and white" with these pictures, because the lighting was still pretty wonky. But, just so you know, Matilda and Calvin really are in the same brown and blue. Matchy-matchy. We'll do another photo shoot in better light so you'll believe me.









Anyway, there you have it for now. We're doing good. We're glad we have a holiday on Monday so that Aaron can stay home (thank you, Mr. Martin Luther King, Jr.). We can't wait till Wednesday when Aaron's parents arrive (hip hip hooray). And, we're grateful that even though half of my stitches have accidentally been pulled out (don't know how that happened), my insides have not fallen out. Especially glad for that last one.



emily snyder said...

wow, it blows my mind how much i love you. i love that we get to be best friends (with mom, becca, liz, dad, and jesse) forever and ever. i love that these little tikes are yours. how crazy is that?? i love that you are such an incredible mom. i love how i feel like i am right there with you when i read.
i love that your insides are still inside. phew. ugh!

Becker said...

MAN oh man! I understand. Caleb is a cRaZY man, but I love him to little pieces and it is HARD for me when he is away. He might be that crazy third leg, but he's totally a part of me and I don't feel complete without him. I, too, love Cal's little faces! Keep posting!

erin said...

Oh, you make me laugh.. I am so glad your insides haven't fallen out!! Haha.
I worry about my kids when I'm away from them too, so I totally get where you're coming from :)

Tyler and Erin said...

crazy? Not at all!!! I'm the same way. My mom wanted to take Peyton to Oregon this last weekend and although some peace and quiet and tyler/erin time sounds wonderful I couldn't do it. For Petes sake I have a hard enough time letting my in-laws take her to a movie 15 min away.

Tim and Melissa said...

Such cute pictures! I'm glad you were able to figure things out so that you are ok with everything. You are definitely a normal mom! How nice to have the long weekend with Aaron!!

Kristen said...

So many memories flood back to me when I had Gunnar, hearing you talk about your life right now. You are not alone. Oh my gosh, so wonderful yet so scary at the same time. Thanks for keeping it real! You are such a great mommy and you inspire me.

Katie said...

I can totally relate! I would be a case if I was away from Preston for that long. Let's face it, I'm a case when we leave him for an hour. You a a good mom with beautiful kids!

Nikki and Tipper said...

Your kids are so cute!! The new little guy is so adorable!!! Congrats!!

Leah said...

I worry about my family getting hurt, too (even if they're home asleep with a babysitter!), so I just try not to think of them at all when I'm away (and just enjoy what I'm doing at the time instead). Otherwise I start panicking, picturing worst-case scenarios. You're a fabulous mom, Melissa! Thank you for sharing your feelings.

Jordan said...

that was a great post melissa. I think i would have responded the same way. tillie looks really cute in that poka dot has really nice eye and aaron are great friends...your mom has really cool glasses.

Lindsay said...

your two little babes are so cute! I hope you are hanging in there okay. Just know--it gets much easier as the months progress and the kids start interacting more with each other. Soon Calvin will be so entertained with watching Tillie. Ahh, it makes me exhausted reading this. Two was the "adjustment" and hardest for us because it really went to FULL time. Always a need to fulfill. Once you get used to it though, three kids is a breeze because you are so used to being busy and the older two just entertain each other. Not, that you want to be thinking of three yet though :)

Janine Padilla said...

Oh my goodness... Little Calvin is ADORABLE!!! What a cute little guy! And I have to say again that Matilda is such a doll. Seriously, could she be any cuter? Isn't it so great to see your OWN family growing. What an exciting time for you! I'm sorry about all the anxiety and worries.... I had a lot of that w/Olivia's pregnancy. It is awful! Except I would stay up late worrying about dumb things like going to the gym in the morning or things that were no big deal at all. So not fun! It sounds like Calvin is a good sleeper! Thank goodness for that! Hope you all are doing well! Congrats!!!

Amber21 said...

You are a very strong women I envy that I'm so glad that you and your family are doing better now. That would be so hard I can't imagine what your going through I hope that all is well your in my prayers !!!!

annie and jared said...

Dear Melissa,
#1 Calvin is beautiful.
#2 Calvin is the cutest name ever.
#3 You sound so much like me it is creepy, I think worrying is the #1 trait of a mom.
#4 You guys are the cutest little fam ever.
#6 Calvin is adorable, by the way.

LinDsEy ShaUn said...

melissa your blog is a delight! . . .i totally sounded like a grandma complimenting your blog :)

Russ and Nat said...

Melissa - I was at your parents house last night doing food storage stuff - I asked your mom how you were doing and she said great but 2 kids is hard! You are such a great mom - Tillie and Cal are so lucky!! Wish you lived closer....


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